"you can't blame me says the media man."

So I bought some new clothes yesterday. I like them. I feel pretty when I wear them. I feel like I am a better looking person because I wear these clothes. I'm not really. I shouldn't be like this. I try to stay clear of T.V. where I can be easily swayed from one direction to another as far as how I should look. Still the news paper, the movies, magazines, and even the radio are all getting to me. I see those perfect models wearing great perfectly designed outfits decorating the walls of the stores that I go in to. I some how am lead to believe that I am a better person when I wear nice clothes. How great would it be to have money to burn like the stars whose picture are draped across everything from magazine covers to advertisements for items such as designer jeans or even chap stick. It is the age of fashion and I am a sexy woman in her early twenties. The only thing that I can think of that would make it better is if I was a top Hollywood actress or a Pop superstar. I wouldn’t even mind being a famous-for-nothing-but-daddy’s-money heiress to a billion dollar Hotel Company. It would suck being chased by cameras or having a sex life open to they public but hey, I would be rich and I everyone would want to be my friend because of this. Oh how I long to be able to spend shit loads of money on jeans that are perfectly made. Brand new denim freshly dyed and in perfect shape yet they have those places on them around the knee and hips that have air brushed on perfect creases and wear lines. I really hate those. Or better yet I could spend my money one the ones that look like they have had a few decades worth of wear. I prefer these by far. In fact I own a pair or two. I don't have the really-expensive-I-need-something-to-blow-my-money-on-jeans. I have more like I-want-to-look-like-I-spent-a-shit-load-of-money-but-I-am-really-poor pair of jeans. I hate my self for that. I hate that I feel better wearing nice clothes. I thought that I was better and stronger then this. What has the media done to me? It seems to catch me even though I do all I can to avoid it, without completely cutting myself off from human contact that is. My greatest fear is becoming true and I didn't even make it through college yet. I didn't plan on getting remotely materialistic until I at least had a high paying job at a fortune 500 company. I mean seriously, I am a free spirited liberal child of former hippies. I’m really just supposed to be satisfied shopping at thrift stores. What is even funnier is that the clothes that I bought are reminiscent of clothes from the grunge period mixed in with a little bit of hippie. What I mean to say is that they aren't your traditional "nice" clothes. Don't get me wrong... They are most defiantly stylish and have an obvious modern flare but they look almost dirty. So I guess these clothes do go along with my former thrift store shopping style. I guess I do like the style of clothes that have been (or look like they have been) wore previously.

I’m trying to think about the bright side of this. I think maybe the styles of clothes that are out on the market are becoming more similar to the ones that I have worn in recent years. Even if I am brainwashed in to thinking that I need these clothes to be beautiful I do like them and I do fell nice in them. So I do the clothing company a favor by buying their way overly priced shredded jeans and they in turn help me feel better about myself. Everyone in this situation wins. However, the designer jean company wins more because they get a lot of my money.

So why have I become like this? Why have I been led to believe that I am unattractive unless I have tons of cleavage in shirt which probably has about ten cents worth of fabric on it? How come I need jeans that show my panties when I bend over... or better yet, show my panties while standing? Why in this society I’m not of any value without money and sex appeal? The truth is I like being sexy. I like looking the part of a Hollywood superstar. I’m really disappointed in myself. I thought that I was above all of this.