happy monday

So right now I should be working on a project that I have had for about two weeks to work on but ADHD me has procrastinated once again and I will be working on this right down to the very few minutes before class. I have at least looked at it though I don't have a very good idea of what I am supposed to be doing. For now I feel like bloging.

So today is Monday and a sad day it is. Why you ask? Because it is the beginning of a very busy week. It's not just any old week. This week I finally get to visit the doctor’s office to get on meds for my ADHD that I have been struggling with for my entire life. (Diagnosed at 5) yippee!!! I'm hoping to get back on Dexedrine. I was on that for many years and have decided that it was the only thing that really worked for me. Adderall is an ok substitute because I’ve taken my friends before and it has seemed to make some sort of improvement. Also this week I get to go to IRISH FEVER!! Thursday night at the paradox in Baltimore. Right down the street from me.. Walking distance to be exact. What is fever? Well it is a rave that existed throughout the 90s that kept the east coast rave scene alive. It ended in 99 but has since then been brought back. Though it is not every other week it still rocks my fucking world when it is here. I haven't decided whether or not I’m going to roll or not. My brain hasn't felt 100% lately probably because I smoke too much. I'm actually looking forward to the time when m and I take a month off from all drugs including pot. My world may prove to be a lot easier.

Today when I got home from work there was a letter on the floor from one of my boyfriend’s lovers. She always makes them so colorful and childish. Like every letter she sends him, they seem more fun then I am. It haunts me. What is inside I wonder? I thought about opening it. I'm so curious at times that I forget that there are consequences to every action that I take. This time however I calmly place the letter on the table and walk away. After reading my blog I know that he will wonder whether or not I am being truthful. I bet he thinks to himself "Did she read the letter and write that she didn't?" "No honey, I didn't. I had self control this time. “I want to though. Lets be honest here I want to open it and read it. After that I'd tear it to shreds and throw it away because I hate these feelings I get! Though he reads my blogs and these are my thoughts, I don’t think he has the capability to understand me because I don't have enough words in my vocabulary to express myself to the fullest. I don't think that the words exist really. I hate her. I hate her like I have never hated someone before. Hate is the right word but I don’t hate her really. I don’t know her enough to hate her. I love that she makes my boyfriend happy but does she need to blow him to do that? There are limits in the world for a reason. How can she do this to me? He must tell her that I am ok with it. When in fact I am not. So is she told lies by my boyfriend? Or is she just mislead by the optimistic way he has of presenting things? If she really knew how much pain she caused me would she be selfish enough to do it anyway? These questions work their way through my head and when they pop up to the surface make me drown myself in tears. He loves her. He might have a stronger intellectual relationship with her then with me and now that he is her lover then where does that leave me? If I don’t resolve all of my issues with this I am going to leave him. I'll have no choice because my heart will be hurting so back that I won't be able to look at him anymore. Just one day not come back from work. It would be so easy to erase my number from his phone because I know he doesn't have it memorized and just leave. What a cowardly thing to do. You know what the real issue is? I lack the self confidence to tell him that I am unhappy that I don’t have anyone totally smitten over me too.