And so it is...

just like you said it would be. That song forever run through my head many times a day. Flashing through my mind the movie trailor that is goes along with. Closer. It haunts me. The characters in the movie. I feel like them sometimes. Every single one of them. Wanting something other then what you have... a sort of the grass is always greener on the other side kinda thing. I tell myself that I am happy but part of me thinks that I am not. And if I really am happy then am I as happy as I should be..... or could be for that matter? Are these normal thoughts or are they just depression?

I agreed when i started dating my boyfriend that we would have a non-monogomus relationship. Or rather he told me that it was what he wanted and I went along with it. My little naive self getting in to things that are way above my level of maturity. Now I feel as if I'm stuck in it. Stuck is the wrong adjective, yet I can't really come up with a better one. I love him more then a person should ever love another. So much that it hurts. Really. But this whole non-monogamy has really been taking a dramatic toll on my emotions. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else. After he tells me about it (which I don't really want to know but do at the same time...like a car accident) I can't stop picturing it in my head. For me I will dwell on this for months at a time. I can't help but think about it and it drives me crazy. Everytime I fuck him I feel like I am such and dirty person. Why would I let someone do this to me you ask? Because I would be nothing with out him. I mean, I could function but I would feel empty. Lost. Scared. It's doubtful that I would ever get over it. I tell people that if some thing were to ever happen between use I would just dissapear. Leave. I would be swallowed up by my own emotions. The thing is that no one believes me. I mean, why should they? They're probably right you know. I don't think that I would ever have the balls to just pick up and leave. The truth is that I would be so lost I would want to lose myself to everyone else.

But he does love me. I can tell just by looking at him. He loves me with every inch of his soul. The people around us can tell. Fuck, my parents can tell even though they re not to font of my lifestyle choice let alone my boyfriend. My parents, I think are still dwelling on the fact that I was their last child at home (their baby) and I left at age 19 to be with him. Could be worse mom and dad, I could have kid of my own by now. Thank god I have some sense. Anyway back to my man... he does love me. We have the most wonderful times together. Whether it's going to Vermont or going backpacking in the desert. Maybe it's just those times when we just sit around, smoke and act like fucking retards. Whatever we are doing when we are together it's always a great time. I Don't want to leave him because I love him so much. And I its some-what my fault for thinking That I could change him in to a monogamy guy. I don't want to limit him, I just want him to only want me. till next time..sarah*