phases

I am fairly sure that everyone during the course of their life goes through different phases. If this is not the way people live their life then maybe I am weirder then I thought I was to begin with. Some of my phases last longer then others. A good example being that for a good 5 months I was very much in to the rave scene. Going to parties and getting fucked up was a weekly occurrence. I can't remember when the last time I went to a club was. However, I did go down to Miami for a huge rave a few weeks ago. . .more on that later. In contrast, I've had phases, like bogging for example, that I have been so excited about but I can only get my mind to focus on then for about a month. I've also had a couple of phases that have lasted years and very few that have withstood the test of time and I have enjoyed then thoroughly my entire lifetime. It boggles my mind as to why some of my phases stick with me while others change with the seasons. With my adderall I can stay focused on simple tasks for a period of time, like I wrote my rules for the ganja in one sitting (the most I have ever written in a one sitting.. by the way.) This is comforting to me when I need to get a project done for school but scary when it come the time change gears.

It reminds me of the movie Adaptation, where Chris cooper's character tells us how he was so completely in love with the ocean, fish ECT. One day he just decides that he hates fish. "Fuck fish" he says and he never steps one foot in the ocean again. The current time in the movie he is so entranced by orchids. Because of this he risks everything just to be able to see many different kinds of orchids. I am more similar to Meryl Streep's character in the movie in the way that I want to know what it is like to be completely consumed with something for a long time. Like I said before I can stay focused on one thing for a little while but I am not as intensely focused as I would like to be and it is never quite as long as I want. What I’m looking for is the kind of consumption that takes away everything else in my world. What I mean is that I want to focus on one thing so much that nothing else matters. Of course regular daily life will still exist; you know my family, work, money, school…things to that extent. How good it would feel to have something to take up my time that I thoroughly enjoyed.

So the question is how do I get myself to stay on one thing for a long time? I have things in my life that I completely love to death, things that could possibly make me happy if I just did them forever. How am I supposed to find something that could hold that attention of my ADHD brain for longer then a month? You see, I like to do many things and that is just the problem. I switch so frequently that I never really excel at anything. I want instant gratification for what I’m doing. I want to learn how to be Eric Clapton on the guitar over night. I want to be a world famous sculpture in a matter of minutes. I think I just haven’t grown up yet.